So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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