I feel like I'm in dance class right now
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
