dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
