She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
