Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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