You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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