I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
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