I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
