We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
