Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
