i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
last night I used snow as a chaser
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
