You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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