Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
