She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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