Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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