OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
