You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
