Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
