We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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