i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
