I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
