Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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