You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
as a side note pls kill me
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
