I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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