Can Purell be used as lube?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
