he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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