Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
