What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
