After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
