I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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