I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
