We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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