K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Drunk is not a location!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
