Betty ford says i'm here all night
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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