its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
