dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize