I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Randomize
