It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
