Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
