There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize