Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
