i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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