My sheets look like a crime scene.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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