Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize