just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
