Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
