Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
