I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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