He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize