I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
