I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
