I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
