just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
