My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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