I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
