Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
