we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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