Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
