Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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