I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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