We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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