my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
