I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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