he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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