Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
