I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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