textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
