i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
